From behind a rock, I a saw what looked to be at least 50 people in dark black robes chanting in with their hands firmly planted together in the middle of their chest, encircling a large shape drawn into the ground. I fell back and stood up on a higher rock in order to get a clearer look at the center of their human circle. As I expected the cultists were surrounding a bright red pentagram dug into the ground. However, upon further examination I found there to be something in the center. I began to pull out my binoculars, when suddenly I was struck from behind. I anticipated a harsh fall to the ground, but instead I was met with another force, this time cushioning me instead of causing me pain. A few of the cultists had stayed behind, possibly to keep watch so nobody were to interrupt their ceremony. They had obviously noticed me, and now were in the middle of carrying me to the circle. I tried to squirm out of their control, but it was no use. As we approached the circle, the people carrying me spoke words in Spanish to the other cultists directly in front of us that made up part of the circle. They looked at their fellow cultists, at me, and then they backed away, allowing passage to the area within the circle. As we passed the outer ring of the circle, on of the bystanders threw a large black cloth over me, taking away my ability to see what was happening.
Suddenly everything stopped, and everything went quiet. A few seconds of silence continued to pass, and then I was thrown to the ground. The impact was strong and had forced me to loathe in pain for awhile. I heard the footsteps of those who had carried me leave the circle, and then the chanting started up again. I could hear it coming from all directions at equal volume, indicating that I was indeed in the center of their circle and presumably in the center of the pentagram. The chanting grew louder, as if something vastly significant was about to happen. At this point I had remembered that there was something in the middle of the pentagram that I had noticed before I was taken here, and hastily I removed the cloth that was thrown over my head. I looked around and saw nothing, but as I turned around, my eyes met that of a very large animal. I backed away, still on the ground, in order to get a better look at the creature. As my eyes regained their focus, I slowly started to make out the shape of the create. It was a chicken.
This was not just any type of chicken. This chicken was distinctively prodigious compared to others of its kind. Its size was commensurate with a human child around the age of 5. So yes, this was quite a large chicken. When most people think of a chicken they picture a delicious, succulent grilled chicken placed pleasantly on a plate. But from that moment on I vowed to myself to never think about chicken the same way again. Upon further examination, it became clear to me that the eyes of the chicken were a bright red, and as the beast opened and closed its mouth, it inhaled and exhaled loudly and demonically. Putting two and two together I realized that the cultists were successfully able to immure Satan himself deep inside this poor chicken's heart. Fearing that, if it were to live, this chicken could be as much as an anachronistic weapon as a photon cannon would be, I found it in myself to stand up and attempt to fight this insane beast.
At this point, the beast was slowing making its way towards me, breathing heavily with each step it took. I decided that this was a good time to make a move, and I dived straight for it, using my many months on the high school football team to my advantage and keeping up with my reputation of having the perfect tackling form. The beast was heavy, but my impact had just enough impact to take it down to the ground. Standing up again, I grabbed it by the neck with my left hand, raised it into the air, and slammed it back onto the ground in a way identical to Dwayne Johnson's signature move "Rock Bottom." I stepped forward towards the beast to finish it up, but it jumped up unexpectedly and attached its claws directly to my face and began to scratch it violently. It swung at me with first its left claw, then its right one, supporting itself in the air by furiously flapping its wings. I brought my hands up and smacked it back down, only for it to proceed to do the same to my stomach and then to my legs. I flung it off of me and took a large step back, trying to recover from the harsh attack. My body hurt all over and I knew I had to finish this quick. The beast charged at me with all its might and jumped straight for my face. Taking action I ducked under it and took a step forward. The beast was now propelling itself away from me. Without hesitating I grabbed each of its legs with my hands and began to swing it around in a Super Mario 64 style. The beast was heavy, so it took awhile for it to gain any momentum, until finally it was at terminal fucking velocity. I picked a location in the circle and flung the chicken towards the cultists in that area with all my might. The chicken flew at around mach 10, causing the sound barrier to explode like no tomorrow. In a matter of milliseconds, everybody was flung backwards onto the ground with insane force. As a couple more milliseconds passed, the soaring chicken remained giving no shits, and was still being propelled towards the former edge of the circle. I could barely sit up, but I forced myself to so I could see the beauty that I had thrown. The chicken was headed straight for the large rock that I had initially stood on to take a look into the circle. The stone was about 12 feet tall, and it was accompanied with a pile of around 5 cultists who were propelled backwards from the force of the throw. Within a matter of mere nanoseconds this time, the chicken pierced the flesh of all 5 cultists, and dug its way through the entire rock, continuing to fly through the air out of the back of the large stone. The rock crumbled and fell on top of the previously skewered cultists. As I followed the trail of fierce air that stayed attached to the end of the chicken, I watched as it propelled itself upwards towards the sun. After around 6 seconds, the chicken made literal head on collision with the sun, shattering it into pieces. The sun imploded in on itself, and then exploded into a force of over 5,000,000 newtons, destroying the earth and all everything else in the solar system.
That is how I saved earth from the Antichrist.
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