The Birth of the Antichrist (Part 2)

          From behind a rock, I a saw what looked to be at least 50 people in dark black robes chanting in with their hands firmly planted together in the middle of their chest, encircling a large shape drawn into the ground. I fell back and stood up on a higher rock in order to get a clearer look at the center of their human circle. As I expected the cultists were surrounding a bright red pentagram dug into the ground. However, upon further examination I found there to be something in the center. I began to pull out my binoculars, when suddenly I was struck from behind. I anticipated a harsh fall to the ground, but instead I was met with another force, this time cushioning me instead of causing me pain. A few of the cultists had stayed behind, possibly to keep watch so nobody were to interrupt their ceremony. They had obviously noticed me, and now were in the middle of carrying me to the circle. I tried to squirm out of their control, but it was no use. As we approached the circle, the people carrying me spoke words in Spanish to the other cultists directly in front of us that made up part of the circle. They looked at their fellow cultists, at me, and then they backed away, allowing passage to the area within the circle. As we passed the outer ring of the circle, on of the bystanders threw a large black cloth over me, taking away my ability to see what was happening.
          Suddenly everything stopped, and everything went quiet. A few seconds of silence continued to pass, and then I was thrown to the ground. The impact was strong and had forced me to loathe in pain for awhile. I heard the footsteps of those who had carried me leave the circle, and then the chanting started up again. I could hear it coming from all directions at equal volume, indicating that I was indeed in the center of their circle and presumably in the center of the pentagram. The chanting grew louder, as if something vastly significant was about to happen. At this point I had remembered that there was something in the middle of the pentagram that I had noticed before I was taken here, and hastily I removed the cloth that was thrown over my head. I looked around and saw nothing, but as I turned around, my eyes met that of a very large animal. I backed away, still on the ground, in order to get a better look at the creature. As my eyes regained their focus, I slowly started to make out the shape of the create. It was a chicken.
          This was not just any type of chicken. This chicken was distinctively prodigious compared to others of its kind. Its size was commensurate with a human child around the age of 5. So yes, this was quite a large chicken. When most people think of a chicken they picture a delicious, succulent grilled chicken placed pleasantly on a plate. But from that moment on I vowed to myself to never think about chicken the same way again. Upon further examination, it became clear to me that the eyes of the chicken were a bright red, and as the beast opened and closed its mouth, it inhaled and exhaled loudly and demonically. Putting two and two together I realized that the cultists were successfully able to immure Satan himself deep inside this poor chicken's heart. Fearing that, if it were to live, this chicken could be as much as an anachronistic weapon as a photon cannon would be, I found it in myself to stand up and attempt to fight this insane beast.
          At this point, the beast was slowing making its way towards me, breathing heavily with each step it took. I decided that this was a good time to make a move, and I dived straight for it, using my many months on the high school football team to my advantage and keeping up with my reputation of having the perfect tackling form. The beast was heavy, but my impact had just enough impact to take it down to the ground. Standing up again, I grabbed it by the neck with my left hand, raised it into the air, and slammed it back onto the ground in a way identical to Dwayne Johnson's signature move "Rock Bottom." I stepped forward towards the beast to finish it up, but it jumped up unexpectedly and attached its claws directly to my face and began to scratch it violently. It swung at me with first its left claw, then its right one, supporting itself in the air by furiously flapping its wings. I brought my hands up and smacked it back down, only for it to proceed to do the same to my stomach and then to my legs. I flung it off of me and took a large step back, trying to recover from the harsh attack. My body hurt all over and I knew I had to finish this quick. The beast charged at me with all its might and jumped straight for my face. Taking action I ducked under it and took a step forward. The beast was now propelling itself away from me. Without hesitating I grabbed each of its legs with my hands and began to swing it around in a Super Mario 64 style. The beast was heavy, so it took awhile for it to gain any momentum, until finally it was at terminal fucking velocity. I picked a location in the circle and flung the chicken towards the cultists in that area with all my might. The chicken flew at around mach 10, causing the sound barrier to explode like no tomorrow. In a matter of milliseconds, everybody was flung backwards onto the ground with insane force. As a couple more milliseconds passed, the soaring chicken remained giving no shits, and was still being propelled towards the former edge of the circle. I could barely sit up, but I forced myself to so I could see the beauty that I had thrown. The chicken was headed straight for the large rock that I had initially stood on to take a look into the circle. The stone was about 12 feet tall, and it was accompanied with a pile of around 5 cultists who were propelled backwards from the force of the throw. Within a matter of mere nanoseconds this time, the chicken pierced the flesh of all 5 cultists, and dug its way through the entire rock, continuing to fly through the air out of the back of the large stone. The rock crumbled and fell on top of the previously skewered cultists. As I followed the trail of fierce air that stayed attached to the end of the chicken, I watched as it propelled itself upwards towards the sun. After around 6 seconds, the chicken made literal head on collision with the sun, shattering it into pieces. The sun imploded in on itself, and then exploded into a force of over 5,000,000 newtons, destroying the earth and all everything else in the solar system.
          That is how I saved earth from the Antichrist.

The Birth of the Antichrist (Part 1)

          It was a week ago today that all of the events I am about to write about in this post happened. If you are wondering about why I am taking this long to talk to you about this, it is because I had a very protracted recovery of my injuries during the events. These injuries are indeed creating a sort of malaise, but I can manage. Though my strength atrophy is strong, my will is stronger, and the media, no, the world needs to know about the events that unfolded last week.

          If you don't know my story, I will begin there. I am a hunter of the "supernatural." But not just any kind of supernatural. I am the hunter of  satanic rituals. But again, not just any kind of satanic ritual. I am a hunter of Mexican satanic rituals. I travel across Mexico in search of different cults trying their hardest to summon the dark lord. You may think this task to be impossible, but there are very simple reasons why it is an easy task. First of all, the meeting places that the members of these rituals visit for their ritual debates can usually be easily identified by a nearby Effigy of Satan himself. That is a dead giveaway. Also the amount of rituals that are happening in the area of Mexico have accreted in size to around over 100 per month, along with most people's equanimity. The more pragmatic people on this earth would think that my previous statement is not veritable in the slightest, but I assure you that you can trust what I say, for I have seen it all first hand.

          Now my story begins: I was driving my car near the outskirts of Mexico City at around 11:00 pm last Sunday. This is the most common date, time, and place for these rituals to happen. As I was driving something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I noticed some lights flickering in the distance. I pulled my car over and decided to watch from a distance with my handy dandy binoculars that I always take with me on these dangerous trips. The night was a dark one indeed, and I found it hard to make out what was is that the light was coming from. After a few seconds of looking I realized that the lights were actually torches, and that they were moving further away from the road. I made sure my car was far enough off the road that unsuspecting drives wouldn't either notice it or hit it on accident, and I got out of my car, making sure to take my flashlight, my camera, and my binoculars with me. I started to make my way towards the lights, while also making sure to keep my distance. At this point I still could not see what the people looked like that were holding the torches, for the oiled rods were held high by long wooden poles, and the light they emitted barely made it to their surroundings.

          The area off-road that the people were heading was very rocky and unpredictable. After a few minutes of following the torches, my leg came across a large cactus at an alarming speed. I cursed loudly and gratuitously as I grabbed my leg by the knee and proceeded to hop on one foot. After realizing the commotion I had made, I stopped to look at the torches. They had stopped moving as well. I dropped to the ground, feeling feint and dormant. I prayed that they didn't see me. Five minutes passed until I sat up to see if they had gone. Gone they had for I had no vision of the torches in the deepest depths of the night. I cursed at myself and at the unpalatable plant which had initiated my pain, for I hated that plant for all of the hell its disgusting flavor had brought me in the millions of Mexican dishes I had consumed.

          Getting to my feet again I started searching for the torches that the night had kept hidden from me. Without vision of them, I stopped attempting to keep my distance and instead went straight on wards towards where the torches were heading. After 15 minutes of walking, I started to hear faint chanting in the distance. My heart started to race as I realized that this was the real deal. I started to move in, and as I got closer, the ritual came into sight, and what I saw I will never forget for however long I live.